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Pushed too far.

Lately the chaos comes at me with consistency.

I am grateful for the opportunities I create for myself, but every aspect of living my life overwhelms me.

From the moment I wake in the morning, I feel as though I just cannot get through it.

More often than not, just doing basic life is overwhelming.

The overwhelming aspects of my life are compounded when I try to expand myself out of this misery loop.

I just wrote the seventeen thousand dollar essay.

I had to fight with myself internally about the decision of writing the seventeen thousand dollar essay or staying at my pizza delivery job.

I did that. I feel so incapable that I had to consider these as two things to weigh against each other.

I have wanted to be a college graduate for over 20 years.

I almost made a terrible mistake today because of the terrible mindset I have had.

I never take care of myself.

I take care of a passel of other adults.

But I wrote the damn thing.

And I know I will crumble inside while I go through the motions of doing what I have to to scrape by in this decision.

Somewhere though, that long ago girl I used to be is fist pumping and proud. Wherever you are, I miss you.

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I would have been asleep.

I wish it were not the early morning. I wish that the woods did not have someone screaming, again with their flashlight coming up the dirt road.

I wish that it were my lover coming up the steps, and not all these woods  sounds which I do not understand and have continuously not adapted to understanding.

I wish there were another person like myself in front of me who always knew what to do, to tell me what the fuck I am supposed to do with all this. All of this in my life, not the screaming in the woods with the flashlights. I know what to do with that.

I wish I did not feel like I was crossing the dimension into my statistical probabilities. I loved it when I felt like a miracle, not so much like a byproduct all of that which I was born to.

I wish I thought I would be soon resting.

I wish I could connect to another human being in some meaningful way.

 

Not a true introduction, more of a rambling on the general topic of my current isolation and problematic relationships.

In one year my life has changed entirely.  It happened purely within myself. The external portion of my life remained relatively the same, the way I feel about it though is in conflict. I have a somewhat unique background, which I believe primed this path in which I live completely for others while accomplishing very little in my own life.

This type of life felt like it was right for a long time. I am prone to bouts of loneliness, which was the beginning motivating factor of surrounding myself within my household with my closest companions.  My introversion was a problem, but only to a degree. My resentment though overcame me, it took a long time but it did. I think I am making myself sick with my lifestyle.

Secondarily, I have a tendency toward being a care taker, and very nurturing. This part of my personality has been my primary method of engaging in relationships. In these relationships sometimes it results in my assisting the person in which I invest my effort to accomplish many things in their own lives. This is not usually a mutual thing, and I get very little as far as having my own needs or desires met.

I have mostly one sided relationships, both in friendship and in romantic relationships. I am polyamorous as well. This has enabled me to have more than one partner at a time. I have two at this time, a husband and a boyfriend. These two relationships are long term ones. I am a very different person now than I was long ago when I entered these relationships.

There is a lot of background to give here, more than can be given in one sitting. I am tempted to simply go on a strain of conscious though which is not structured. I am attempting to explain myself in a more meaningful way than that.

In concept, splitting bills and chores between more individuals seems as though it would lead to a more freeing life. It was supposed to make things easier. It did not work out quite that way. I do not know anyone else who lives the way I do, it brings me great shame and loneliness. I often feel lost in how I let things get this bad, and this out of control. It is now a broken way to conduct my life.

I do not know where to begin talking about it, even though it troubles me to a great extent.  I have some theories on why though, one being that I have surrounded myself with a sort of toxic and not supportive community. I isolated myself within that context. It has been problematic trying to break out of this situation. One year ago I stopped therapy. We were working on fixing this problem and I could not do it, so I quit. It was a terrible mistake.

I just have the worst trouble opening up to anyone. I do not like to complain, or to trouble others, or to show weaknesses. I am a very closed off person now. I do not maintain any truly healthy relationships and wonder if I ever did. I am allowing behaviors in others to dominate my happiness. I am lost on how to properly even express all of it in this format. I do not express myself well to the people in my life. I do not express myself well to anyone in any way. This was not always the way I lived.

Assertiveness would serve me well. A moment ago, my friend who has lived with me for almost a decade arrived home. This is problematic relationship number one. I should close for now.